Still Breathing
by Nagaku Tsuzuku Yami
Summary: Somehow he has survived and in turn watched the world fall apart until even he had no choice but to seek out Castiel who betrayed him in order to truly start to do something.


**Authoress Note: **I never liked the fact that Balthazar was killed, it never sat well with me. But that tends to happen to angels you start to like on Supernatural lol. Anyways I took down two stories that had him survive and wrote this oneshot of him surviving that is more or less up to date with what's going on in Canon. I won't be writing anymore for this little world at the moment, I have too many stories on the go as it is which is my fault for my inability to stop myself from starting new stories whenever an idea hits me. I hope you enjoy all the same though.

**Still Breathing **

_Crowley's laboratory wasn't a place Balthazar actively liked to be near, in fact he tried to avoid going there. But that's where Castiel sometimes summons him. _

_Castiel. His friend. An angel who used to be so honest and good before he started to work with a demon. _

_Castiel a friend Balthazar found himself having to betray because of it. _

_So when he was summoned, he let out a sigh before spreading his wings to go to Castiel who he noted was holding a jar of blood. Balthazar would have felt his heart sink, if he had one. He was made up of grace and the hairless monkey's heart functioned as normal without any changes to it's innards. _

_Still this wasn't going to be easy. _

"_You rang, Cas?" Balthazar greeted, kept his cool. _

"_Yeah. We have a problem. Dean Winchester is on his way here." Castiel stated and Balthazar was almost tempted to curse, but he didn't. He kept his cool. Kept the mask up. _

"_Really? Oh. How'd he even know where we were?" Balthazar asked, making sure the right emotion matched the situation. _

_Balthazar watched as the jar was put down and made a note to plan an exit. Castiel was corrupt. Not to be trusted anymore and that hurt worse then anything else. _

"_Apparently we have a Judas in our midst." _

_Shit. _

"_Ah." What could he say to that? "Holy Hell. Who is it? I bet it's that bloody little Cherub, isn't it?" Balthazar's words hopefully didn't match the emotion that was now choking Balthazar, he hoped even more that Castiel couldn't detect any of what was going on in him. _

_His oldest friend stood up and Balthazar remained where he was standing. _

"_I don't know. But I – I need you to find out." There was a repeated word, was that regret or sorrow? At one time Balthazar would have known instinctively what the other was feeling. They were that close at one time. _

"_Of course. Um, right away. Right away. Uh, but what do you want me to do about Dean?" Balthazar offered, now trying to get out without raising too many alarms or risking his own life in a fight. Against Castiel, he would lose. _

_A show of turning away, a show of emotion. Balthazar would have applauded the other at one time for his newly gained acting skills. _

_Not now. _

"_Nothing. I'll handle him myself." _

_Balthazar knew he was done for. So he planned for it all the while keeping up the act. But just because he was planning for Castiel's eventual turn against him didn't take away the pain it caused to feel the angel blade pierce his vessel and then his grace. _

"_Cas..." Was his last word before he went through with his being murdered and his plan. _

The light died down.

The ear shattering sound of his own scream of pain and agony. And oh yes, betrayal quietened down leaving him to his new isolation.

His body ached. His grace screamed his agony in the worst way for him, in silence.

With a shuddering gasp and spasm that had him squeezing his eyes closed to block out the world and his pain. He had to remind himself that he was a soldier. A warrior of Heaven before he took off and then later taking one from Castiel's book and been his own Angel and doing his own thing.

It wasn't easy to remind himself of that, but doable in the end. So Balthazar tightened his jaw and saw to his task, managing to forced himself to his side, it took a lot more energy then he had hoped it would have and in return it left him panting and gasping in pain as a protest to his movements. Still he had to push that aside he focused on the next if not the most important thing.

Was he alone?

Listening to the sounds around him, insects and wildlife. Distant humans. There was no scent of sulphur or ozone. Human blood was in the air and the smell of human blood that's from a vessel warn by an angel. He almost feared that it was Castiel's, but pushed that thought aside. It wasn't. He knows what Castiel smelt and tasted like.

He determined he was alone.

He thanked his long since missing Father for that one. With the dampness he felt on his clothing he knew he wouldn't be able to put up a fight if there was anyone here. Now that he knows he's alone he could move at his own pace, ease himself to escaping away from this place. He couldn't fly, that would take energy he didn't have and Balthazar knew he had to lay low until he made up his mind of what he was going to do next.

The moment he did try to get to his knees he let out a shout of agony that was muffled by his own hand. Instinct still told him to be quiet. His vessel was more damaged then he would have liked to admit. The spine was severed right behind where the heart would be. His grace was the only thing holding him upright and his wings were acting as support. They were pressed against the ground rubbing feathered area's raw. Of course to a human it would look like he was just using his knees and fists to remain in place, but humans were so limited anyway.

The only thing he could feel himself welcome was the fact that he was alive. The pain and agony meant he was still living. Being that he was an angel, if he was dead he would be just nothing. He didn't know if there was an afterlife for him. There probably wasn't. A bitter laugh crept up his throat at the thought.

Leaning back onto his heels so he was fully seated in a shaky kneeling position he touched his chest, the wet spot on his shirt that felt like it was drying in spots around the edge. Pulling his hand away he looked at the red on his hand. Blood. His blood. His blood was also staining the ground he woke up on. How much blood did he lose?

He felt far too weak for his own liking. With a feral growl Balthazar forced himself to his feet, he did try to heal himself first but even that was taxing. So he would have to find a place to hide and heal slowly. After a few steps though he collapsed to the ground with a shout of frustration and pain.

Why!?

Why was this happening to him? Why did he have to decide to help those foolish hairless apes and why did Castiel feel the need to go to some demon for help when he could have came to Balthazar first?! It wasn't fair!

All this he wanted to yell to the Heavens and to the pits of Hell. Whoever answered him first!

Anger was enough of a motivation to get him moving again until he made it outside where it was warm and the sun was up. Leaning against the wall his wings dropped to the ground enough to offer only a little support for the back that felt like it was in pieces and falling apart on him. It probably was knowing his luck at the moment.

His grace was still present, but dulled down to a concerning level.

"Of course it is..." Balthazar couldn't keep the pain and bitterness he felt from his words as he finally let himself slide down to the ground. He knew this wasn't the best place to be, he had to get farther away. He knows that for now it would be best if he hide himself from Heaven, Earth and Hell for that matter.

Despite the amount of blood that stained his clothing, Balthazar did up his jacket with indisputably shaky efforts to hide the blood that cooled his clothing. Perhaps he could find a story that could fit in regards to being covered with blood.

He was an actor? This was fake blood? He was in fake pain?

Whatever he had to say to get his way wouldn't matter, as long as he got his way.

But for now Balthazar let his eyes slide closed and his body slumped in a broken manner. Wings surrounding himself in a mock embrace to comfort himself.

_Cas... _Was his last foolishly unguarded thought before uninvited sleep prevailed.

~ SPN ~

Balthazar didn't know how long he was asleep for. Or even what happened when he fell asleep. All he knew was he woke up to blinding light and the sound of machines beeping in his ear. Wires were touching his body lightly, running along his arms and between his legs. But no restraints. There was something attached to his nose as well.

Blinking and trying to rub his eyes into focus he looked at the object attached to his index finger. Monitoring him. Humans found him. He was in a hospital.

"Good morning, or I should say Good afternoon. I'm Doctor Johnson." A male human dressed in stereotypical clothing covered by a white jacket. Balthazar would have sneered if he had the energy to do so. Human. Hairless ape.

Why was he in the hospital.

"H-How?" Balthazar forced himself to speak. The Doctor sat down folded his hands on his lap and explained. Balthazar sniffed him from where he laid and determined the man was innocent. An adulterer but innocent.

"You been out for a week now. It's a miracle you're still alive and that our surgeons were able to repair the extensive damage done to your spine and nerves, not to mention your heart was damaged." Doctor Johnson informed him, Balthazar frowned and looked towards the window. He could hear the distant sound of a television speaking of vile acts of murder of a political party and the fact that the suspect is a man that went missing since 2008, none other then one Jimmy Novak.

The Doctor was still speaking and Balthazar only had to glare at him to get him to stop speaking and leave. Balthazar was tempted to think of Castiel, but he didn't want to risk the now obvious murderous angel picking up his thoughts because of how connected to the twisted angel they were.

So instead he laid his head back and closed his eyes. He let sleep overtake him, this time at his own will. He will rest here, let his grace heal and as soon as it was healed enough he could heal the vessel and escape this suffocating place of sorrow and sickness. Reapers paid him little to no mind, he asked of them to not tell anyone about him being there. They agreed, they were more concerned with their duty anyway.

One Reaper always visited him though, one called Sarah Jane Smith after a favorite character of hers. A favorite character she had because she was an oddball amongst her kind due to her fondness for human television. She was a petite little thing, designed herself to look as a child for the children who died here. Some were more comforted by another child to guide them.

For the three months Balthazar humoured the humans tending to him. They were all shocked on how well he was healing and that he would get full use of his body back. They didn't know what he was and why he was healing better then a normal human with a compression fracture or damaged spine.

Doctor Johnson assisting him the entire way despite his other duties.

He will soon decide to leave before anyone attempts to interview him for television shows or newspapers on the miracle of his speedy recovery.

~ SPN ~

Five months in total passed by the time Balthazar decided to leave the hospital. He bid farewell to Sarah his petite Reaper friend and to Doctor Johnson who took care of him and even had a few conversations with Balthazar, it helped that he didn't like the song 'My Heart Will Go On' either.

His pain wasn't as great, it was a dull ache and his grace and vessel will forever bare the scars of what Castiel has done to him. There was no changing that. Balthazar made the decision to remain hidden and lay low. He risked his life and stuck his neck out one too many times and what happened to him was the reason why he shouldn't have.

So for the rest of the year Balthazar kept his ear low to the ground and paid attention to every rumour. Rumours about Castiel playing God, which was a joke because in Balthazar's mind all Castiel was doing was trying on their Fathers clothing that wasn't used anymore and has wholes from mothballs. Like a child trying on a parents clothing in play.

Balthazar also learnt about the Leviathans and cursed. Those were some nasty individuals and they were able to take out angel's easy. Balthazar was aware that he should be doing something, anything. But Balthazar touched his chest and felt his own weakness.

He travelled to the next town instead. Laying low and kept to himself.

At this point the year was 2012.

The denim wrapped nightmares as the King of Hell once called the Winchesters took out the main head of the Leviathan's. Dean Winchester to be exact, only it cost him his apparent life. His and Castiel's.

Balthazar thought he would be happy.

He up to this point was harbouring anger and the feeling of betrayal. He ended up screaming his frustration out into the grand cannon, his screams only covered by the angry rumbling of the sky above him. It wasn't fair!

It also didn't help that he knew about the unrest in Heaven. He has never seen things this bad, not even when Lucifer was expelled. It was times like this he could see the effect of not having an Archangel at the head. An Archangel or Father. But since there were no more Archangel's present and Father was missing in action as usual that left a gaping chasm that sought to be filled. And so many sought that hole.

Balthazar didn't though, he just kept to himself. Trying to find himself. Letting himself fully heal and trying to heal himself emotionally.

It wasn't easy.

It would take some time before he really started to clear his own mind.

And the only thing that snapped himself out of his hiding and tucking his grace away was looking up to the sky one day and watching the worst sight he could ever think of.

His brothers and sisters falling...

... all of them!

"No... No, no that couldn't happen. That shouldn't happen! I took my eyes off of what's going on for only a moment! This shouldn't happen, why is it happening?!" Balthazar found himself rambling as he turned around where he stood in an open field, hands on his head and a look of distress written across his face.

They were falling everywhere and their grace and wings burned brightly. Nothing as bright as Lucifer, but it still found a way to burn itself into Balthazar's eyes and mind and will remain there for the rest of his existence.

Everything unravelled after that. The humans are mostly unaware but even in their ignorance they knew something was up. Something was wrong, like all animals the felt it in their marrow. But did nothing and chose ignorance. Kept living their lives and everything else kept moving forward.

The Supernatural beings were moving, things that had territories started to expand into other territories. Fairies that rarely came out besides a few moments here and there were now living in pockets of the human world more openly. Vampires were taking more. Werewolves colonies were more noticeable. Not to mention ghosts and souls that no longer can pass on as proper. All this within the short expanse of time since the angels fell from Heaven.

Hunters were overwhelmed and the Winchester's were no doubt in the thick of all this, as they usually are. The poor fools.

And then a prayer.

"_Cas, are you there? Sammy's hurt. He's hurt, uh – he's hurt pretty bad. And, um... I know you think that I'm pissed at you, okay? But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did or didn't do, it doesn't matter, okay? We'll work it out. Please, man, I need you here... Screw it. Okay, listen up. This one goes out to any angel with their ears on. This is Dean Winchester... and I need your help."_

That prayer told Balthazar a few things. One that Castiel was back to normal and somewhere on Earth. Alive and well. Another thing was that the angel was not homicidal anymore and not enemy number one for the Winchester's which is a good thing. As angry and hurt as Balthazar is, he didn't want the Winchester's aiming to kill his former friend.

He still cared and cursed his own developed humanity.

He travelled back to the hospital dressed down and near discreet in his own taste to see what was going on. Entering the hospital he was greeted by Doctor Johnson who's life hasn't changed much since Balthazar met him. But the hospital was empty of Reapers except for the distraught Sarah Jane Smith. The souls of the dead hasn't had a chance to build up here yet, but there was souls that should have passed on.

Moving to the quiet stair case with the Reaper he sat with her.

"I can't enter Heaven, I cannot deliver these helpless souls to where they belong." Sarah told him. Balthazar had nothing to say to her sorrow filled words. So he just listened and took in what she had to say.

"Do you know what has happened?" She asked. Lost and alone here in a hospital with death coming daily and no where to store souls.

"No, I have been laying low in order to heal properly. All I know is that the world is unbalanced and in a state of unrest that I have not seen for a very, very long time. Worse this time around. What is going to happen with the souls destined for Heaven?" This was the best answer he could give her and wished he could give her a solution that would be acceptable in comparison to a blank outlook of things.

"They will build up, they will start to scream in agony and pain. I fear it would drive my brothers and sisters insane. Some would even go so far to deliver good souls to Hell just for the sake of delivering a soul to a destination. That is my greatest fear." Sarah admitted quietly covering her ears to the first scream that would be more to come. The cry of an infant, stillborn.

Balthazar could see it happening, it would only fuel the armies of Hell to have more free souls and twist those souls into demons.

"Hell has been in a state of unrest as well, do you know what has happened there?" Balthazar asked as he eyed her calmly all the while wishing for a drink or something that could ease this conversation. It was a heavy one, burdened by the truth of the situation they all felt the effects of.

"There is no King, no leader to lead. Now a new demon is trying to take it over. Be the Queen." Sarah explained and Balthazar labelled the situation as a civil war that wasn't a war but an attempt at a take over. It won't be a war until some other demon or the former King joins the fight.

"Who?" Balthazar wanted to know who exactly was trying to take over Hell. It was important information to have in the long run.

"Abaddon." Not the answer he wanted to gain from Sarah.

She was a Knight of Hell, not something easily taken down without a key weapon that was currently missing in action. Cain and his blade. Cain has laid so low that few even know his story as well as it was known. It was now more myth and legend even to those who were myth's themselves. Balthazar was morbidly curious on how that would effect things from here on out.

"You must do something, I know you don't like to get yourself into situations that could have you out in the open. But you are the only angel who hasn't been kicked out of Heaven. Your grace is weakened but it is more complete then others, you are the only..." Sarah pleaded and Balthazar let a bitter sneer cross his features. Crossing his arms he looked down at the distress Reaper that became the closes thing to a friend. He should not treat her so, but he is.

"Isn't that a sick fact there. What are you suggesting I do? Angels will go insane, they will fight each other and they will scramble to try to get back into Heaven. They will fail and humans among other things will be caught in the crossfire. What am I to do about that?" His own words were cruel and bitter but not as cutting as a small part of him might have hoped that they were. Little Sarah Jane Smith was made of sterner stuff then that.

"Lead?" Not something that would happen, she should know her suggestion was foolish at best.

"No." The only answer he was going to give to that. He wasn't made for that. He was at thief angel who was another runaway.

"Do something. Anything but stop standing around idly." Sarah ordered before taking off up the stairs leaving Balthazar to remain alone. And worse, alone with his own thoughts. A dangerous thing. Frowning Balthazar leaned back and tucked his wings close. The image of burnt wings on his mind.

That could have been him!

For the next while he did what he could for the souls of the departed, keeping them away from the Reapers who would deliver them to hell even if they didn't deserve it. There was nothing more he could do for them. He did this up until suicide hits made by angels. Frowning he found out was apparently Castiel's idea. He paused at that, would Castiel really want suicide attacks made in public around humans just to take out one or two of the opposition angels? It didn't make sense.

His distraction gave the angel enough time to go through with his suicide mission. Balthazar felt his wings singe because of how close he was to the blast even as he got out of the immediate area.

It was time to find Castiel.

It was time to get to the bottom of this.

So Balthazar started to search, keeping his ear to the ground and listening to information that came his way. Information about Metatron. Information about the Winchester's and Dean's foolish move to take the Mark of Cain. Why would he be so stupid, no matter which Winchester they always seem to be self destructive and always running towards death in some way. He wondered how Castiel would take this, given that they were the angel's favourites.

By the time he figured out where Castiel was located, the other has somehow found a way into Heaven and the truth of Metatron's manipulation was broadcasting to every angel on Earth. Including Balthazar. Balthazar couldn't stop the proud smile that dared to show itself. Castiel was always the angel who thought outside the box when it truly counted and Balthazar had no doubt that this time was no different.

Knowing the location of Castiel Balthazar knows he could have found Castiel quicker, it wouldn't be too hard to find the door to Heaven now that Castiel was seemingly the one in control of things to some degree. In fact Balthazar could have prayed to the angel, hoping that he would hear him and they could speak. But Balthazar never went through with it.

Instead he waited until he found the next best thing that could allow Castiel to find him instead of the other way around. Without prayers, without calling out to the other. Just a silent way to say 'here I am' and that he was still there.

And because of this Balthazar followed Sam Winchester to the Bunker's location and sat on a step leading to the entrance. He did nothing to stop the distraught human from whatever task he had.

It wasn't until the sound of footsteps behind him that Balthazar knew that his presence was now fully known.

"Balthazar..." Regret, sorrow, guilt and a touch of reluctant hopefulness found in the saying of his name. Too human, but then his friend always was. Instinct told him not to have his back to Castiel because that could lead to something bad. But it was easier then looking at Castiel.

"Hey Cas." Balthazar greeted in return.

It took a moment for him to stand up and for the first time since gaining the injury that left him weakened and angry, it ached. Turning around Balthazar could honestly say that he's seen Castiel in better shape. His grace didn't smell or feel like his own, stolen and weakening. Something that Balthazar figured wasn't good.

"I thought you were dead?" Castiel said, quiet. This was someone who was in mourning. Perhaps for the same reason Sam Winchester was distraught? And of course it would be!

"Surprise." Balthazar couldn't stop the emotions he felt enter that one word, he wanted to push it down.

Castiel took a step towards him, Balthazar stiffened and eyed the other. Any movement that Castiel made stopped and Castiel gave a hurt look that clearly said he wouldn't hurt Balthazar, he meant no harm or ill-will. Balthazar shrugged. What could he say to that, given their history and how Balthazar was injured in the first place.

"Let me explain..."

"No need. I figured it out some time ago. The demon Crowley had you corrupted, but you with your all-mighty ego thought you could handle that. Handle corrupted souls. Purgatory souls. You behaved like a self-righteous asshole. I know Cas, no need to explain.

What I do want to know however, was what's going on exactly. Why do I feel something demonic in the bunker, something I haven't felt in a very long time?" Balthazar said, not really caring if he interrupted Castiel's attempt at explaining. Balthazar had no use for explanations like that. Not something to do with the past, he was in the present and there was an obvious mess he was being dragged into.

Castiel did, it was reluctant and calm and any emotion the other angel was feeling was poorly buried. There was just so much emotion, too much to hide.

Balthazar didn't hold it against him or call him out on it. Balthazar was not happy and perhaps a bit pissed off still but he wasn't needlessly cruel. Or his definition of it anyway.

Either way, it left the question of what now?

Would Balthazar go off again, on his own?

Should he stay and set things right, by Castiel's side?

And much like the civil war that waged between Castiel and Raphael, the answer was unfortunately already made. He could never deny Castiel anything.

Balthazar decided to help and that was something that shocked and pleased Castiel. Castiel made the promise to make up for his betrayal and Balthazar waved him off and followed Castiel as he gained access to one of the most secure places that is man-made.

Somehow they will make do. Balthazar was sure of that.


End file.
